Thanks for the Advice

Not that it should matter to you, but something is bothering me. Actually there are many things that bother me, but this one has my attention at the moment so I'll spare you the full-blown rant.

It seems the marketeers of the world, not content to provide the simple convenience of browsing from the couch have found new ways to exploit the habits of internet shoppers. These shameless pirates have set about to collect information on our purchases so they can then make recommendations about other things they would like us to buy. If you've been to any of the big shops, like Amazon for example, then you know what I'm talking about. Under the guise of "customer service" they are offering a new version of the classic soft sell.

Don't get me wrong. I'm down with the general concept of linking buying habits of the masses. But they've got it all wrong. Here's a typical Amazon-like recommendation: Buyers of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas also bought these fine titles; Hell's Angels, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest & The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. Oh, please! I don't want to know what the buyer's of Fear & Loathing bought, I want to know something about them. So if Amazon wants to sucker me into more purchases, they'd better tell me what I really want to know.

You see to my way of thinking, it would make more sense if when I browsed to a book, they told me something like this: Sixty four percent of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas buyers are males in their late 40's with drinking problems and a history of mental illness. Or say I'm looking at Interview with a Vampire, I expect to find out that Other readers of well-known author Anne Rice's most popular novel are usually women with active imaginations and carnal desires that lean toward a bloodthirsty lust. That's the kind of thing that would lead me to buy a book.

To be fair, booksellers are not the only purveyors of this shill. Clothing stores will often present other color coordinated items to go with your new shorts, music stores tout other bands you'll love if you listen to Pearl Jam, and even sites that sell tools will provide supposedly deep discounts if you'll also purchase a matching screwdriver set with that hammer.

So will any of these vendors take my advice? I doubt it. I'm afraid the future of online shopping will be much different. I picture (reluctantly) a scene like this:

I am browsing, let's say LL Bean for example. A red polo shirt makes it into my basket, but not without this admonition from the website: Red? That's not really a good color for you. Why don't you try the teal. It's a much better match for your complexion and will really complement your eyes.

Now that would be progress, or would it?

Everyone else is doing it, so why not me?

It is ten o'clock on Tuesday night. All over the news is the same story, young Obama is in, old Hills is out. At mere first glance there are thousands of commentaries flooding the internet. So here's my little drop in the pool.

Everyone knows Barack Obama is suave if not debonair, and bright if not experienced. They also know John McCain is a veteran of just about everything but he carries a chip on his shoulder about some of the Republican Party platform. These two will duke it out in what will in all likelihood become the most expensive campaign in human history. It will be a tumultuous maelstrom unlike any that politics has ever seen before. No one could write a better novel pitting two polar opposites against each other. And this is real. As real as it gets. Except it is also totally unreal. The sh#$ is about to fly as some people might say. Not me mind you, just other people. I'm merely throwing that line in for their benefit. Really. My mouth is clean as a whistle. Swearing is bad. And so is John McCain. Here's why.

I was willing to give McCain the benefit of the doubt. That's because I didn't know anything about him. Now I know something, and I don't like it. No, I'm not going to tell you what it is. You're just going to have to trust me on this one. It's bad. Believe me. And while you're at it, believe all the sh#$ the media is going to throw at you for the next five months. Because it's ALL true. Every word of it. Oh dear, did I say sh#$ again? Da%&, er, darn it. See what this election is doing to me already. I'm losing it I tell you. The very thought of the vile froth that is about pour forth across our nation depresses me, and oddly enough, makes me feel like a sailor. But not some Popeye-assed sailor, no, I'm thinking more like a guy drifting endlessly through the Pacific on an 18th century frigate, heading for the tempestuous waters around Cape Horn.

Speaking of Cape Horn, have you ever noticed the massive oceanic trench that cuts away from the tip of South America? It kind of reminds me of the hole Obama is going to have to get out of to win in November; big, wet, slippery, and much deeper than he ever thought possible. To begin with, he's got to deal with the VP issue right off the bat. Now the great thing about people who fight like Hillary is when they do finally throw in the towel, they capitulate completely. She's already made it known that she's willing to put all the vitriol in the past to stand proudly beside him in the Oval Office. And it's only 10:35 PM at this point.

Now I don't want to paint a ghastly scenario, but the paranoid in me speculates on the worst possible human behavior. So, what if, and I really mean just if, somebody takes OB out during the campaign. As abhorrent is the thought, we can't escape it. So if it happens, there's Hills, ready to take the reigns, prove her mettle under fire, (she'll take one that grazes her shoulder so she can zip off to the hospital away from immediate media scrutiny) and then with the courage of her convictions (not that she ever was actually convicted) and the sympathy of the American public, she will ride a wave to victory with that bold smile on her face.

But that's not going to happen.

So what is going to happen? Well before I settle down with a book for the night, I'm going to direct your attention to the real heart of the matter in this election. Are you sitting down for this? You should you know, because you're not going to see it anywhere else. Okay, you're sitting, right? I know I kind of had you on the edge of your seat there. I'm sure you're dying to know but just let the tension loose a bit. Stopping gripping the chair so tight. And let me tell you, right here on Tuesday, June 3, 2008, the key to the 2008 United States of America Presidential Election, the one thing you have to know in order to predict who will win 22 weeks away from this very day and find themselves sitting at the best seat in the White House, is nothing more than this: Who has the best haircut?

Remember in November, you heard it here first.